One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
