If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
