just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
