no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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