Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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