I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
