census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
