Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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