i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
