Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
