Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
