the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.