i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
