A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
