Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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