Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
