ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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