she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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