so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
