are you so shy because you have an std?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
