I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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