A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
