mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
