Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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