You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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