did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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