omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
