Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
