you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
