I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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