Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
