U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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