life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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