My first STD was from a foam party
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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