how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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