I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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