i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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