I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
