there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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