the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
