I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
