I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
