If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
