I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i think my cat just said my name.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
