I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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