OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
