When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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