I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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