Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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