i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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