I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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