I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
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Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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