Are we in a gay sports bar?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?