Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.