1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
