That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
