He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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