she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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