Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
