He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
