i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
