Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
