nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize