what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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